Mr. & Mrs. Lovely
Secrets: Archive Pages
I hung up but tears continued to fall down my
face. I thought about calling Mister right back but I was in no mood for witty
banter or his usual “I love you but I just can’t be with you “spiel. I sat on
my bed ripping through pages and pages of the same bullshit that I had endured
for years. I was no stranger to rejection but the aroma of Mister’s decision to
blatantly choose another over me left an unforgettable stench that I couldn’t
shake. How could I have been such an idiot? I was a participant in my own
second-class citizenship in his sick twisted love triangle. Mister was a
special kind of deceiver. He was the guy that stole your heart, and smiled as
he watched you lay on the ground seconds from death still vying for his
affection. I relived every painful
memory as I revisited archived entries of my own diary, which outlined what I
had known all along. Mister had never wanted me nor respected me and Mrs., was
where is heart was and had always been. He was into me just not that into me I
guess. There was no way I could deny my own truth. These were my own words.
Dear
Lovely,
September
20, 2007
Hey
boo. Shit is getting real out here. I’m
done messing with Mister. It’s too early in the game for this bull. Ok so first
off he called me today after school, and I was gone wear his jersey to the
football game. I’m chiilin at the game when I look up and see this bitch with
his name plate on! I’m like what the fuck is wrong with this stupid ass nigga?
Why would you have me looking like I’m a part of this bullshit when Im
definitely not on that at all. Love, I wish I could say that that’s where it ended,
but of course that would be too much like right huh? So it’s after the game and
everyone is at the school so I politely
hand him his jersey back and say “ Next time give her the jersey too” and start
talking to my other boo. Next thing I know
when I start to leave this cat talking about what’s wrong with you? Hmmm
I don’t know perhaps the fact that you got me looking thirsty as hell wearing
your jersey when this chic had on your name plate. I don’t know maybe I’m just
crazy. He says he had to give it to her because she asked. Yea don’t it just
sound dumb as hell? I’m through with it all man. I don’t have time for all this
childish ass shit. I mean if you want to be with her thirsty ass then be with
her.
Dear
Lovely
December 13 2007
Hey Love a lot has been going on with me. Well
about as much as it usually is. You won’t believe what this cat did today
though, of course Mister on his usual bull. So he comes up to me today after
school all hugged up and cuddling. I come up to this cat half way on it with
him and guess what? Just as I’m getting close to him this chic pulls his arm
and takes him home after school (lol) no lie. He looked dumb as hell, Man I
can’t stand this dude.
Dear
Lovely,
October
2, 2008
I
must have a sign that reads “ I specialize in being a idiot: because it’s like
this nigga just thinks I’m a damn fool or something. So today I call him asking
him what his plans are for the day. He says he will be chilling for the night
with his friends, and is going to hit me back. I thought it was a little suspect,
but nevertheless I hang up and continue with my day. I come back home and hours
later I pass this chic house and guess
who I happen to see in the driveway? (Hmmmmmm… just take a wild guess) Santa
Clause you say (lol)? No I see Mister and this chic posted in her driveway like
it aint nothing. I’m like damn this is a new low for me I see, but I’m already
at the bottom of my very last nerve so I
post up and call this cat. Of course he denies my call. Unbeknownst to him I’m
freaking parked right down the street from him watching him ignore my call.
(Youngstown is way to small) So I watch as he says his final goodbyes to her,
kisses her and gets in his car. Now Love mind you I’m getting front row seats
to this whole fiasco. He hops in his car, and this chic hasn’t even made it to
her porch yet before he picks up the phone and calls me. He drove right past me
and didn’t even know it with his stupid ass. I’m like what’s up? I thought you
were going to call me back. He responds Oh yea I got a little caught up with my
friends (lol) yes child. I say oh what were you doing when I just called
because you usually always answer your phone? Mister says without a hesitation
in his voice that he wasn’t by his phone. At this point I was done with playing
games with him. I’m like oh really? Are you sure about that? I just saw you in
her driveway, and I watched you hang up the phone. I just hung up because he
had pissed me all the way off.
I couldn’t read anymore. The more I read the
more I could feel a dual pain in my spirit. It was like an epiphany. Things became
much more clairvoyant than they had ever been. Although Mister had committed
some horrific atrocities against me I was more responsible in sealing my own
unfortunate fate the moment I accepted his disrespect. I’d given him the green
light to undermine me and my worth. I had created a competition with the Mrs.
that was beyond pathetic. I was owed more than this. I was a queen, at least, that’s
what I was told and dammit he was going to treat me as such or I’d find someone
who would. I was doing myself a disservice by constantly complaining about a
boy who got his kicks from juggling my emotions like it was child’s play. I knew I had to make a decision to either
accept this with no complaints or simply walk away. It was amusing that I spent so many days writing
about Mister’s stupidity while failing to acknowledge my own. Of course he was
stupid. He was stupid for thinking that he could have the best of both worlds
and gloating when he achieved it. He was stupid when he deciding to inform me
of his decision to be with someone else through lies and deception, and a Dear
John letter via Myspace. He was stupid for underestimating my worth, but I was
far more foolish for not recognizing my own.
It was 2:40 am and by this time my
tears were all dried up. I had read through enough passages and I closed my
diary. I turned over my phone, which had been on silent as I needed time alone
to sort through some things, and I had two missed calls from Mister.
“
I guess Mrs., must have been unavailable,” I thought as I chuckled to
myself and turned off the light.
I was only 19-years-old and had not
a clue as to what a relationship entailed but I knew whatever I had going on
wasn’t it. I couldn’t afford to waste anymore time wondering what Mister was
doing, or Myspace stalking him and Mrs. It was time for me to just let it all
go and pursue someone who was actually worthwhile. So that’s exactly what I
did. I rejected every call from him and it almost killed me not to call after
hearing those voicemails but I did it!
In hindsight I think it was kind of
funny when I look back and remembered being so envious of Mrs. I would’ve sacrificed
my last ounce of pride and dignity just to be in his place, but now I just pity
her. I thought competing with her would
make winning Mister’s heart that much sweeter, but no one told me just how
cruel the game of love and war would be. My first mistake was allowing myself
to become anyone’s option, but my second mistake was showing up to a gun fight
with a knife. I was never equipped to compete with the Mrs., because I lacked
enough knowledge of my opponent to win such a game. If I would have known from
the beginning that she was spineless and
lacked any sign of a moral compass I
would’ve never taken it as far as I had because that kind of self-hate I didn’t possess.
She definitely had me beat in that area. Her willingness to accept any and everything
even if that meant ignoring a seemingly quiet love affair between Mister and me
made her a far better fighter than I could’ve ever been .She had made peace
with that I imagined. The Mrs., had most definitely won the battle, and gotten
to call keeps on Mister but winning the heart of a boy that put her through
more games than the Olympics leads me believe I lost the best thing I never
had!
