Saturday, June 16, 2012

Mr, & Mrs. Lovely Secrets: Archived Pages


Mr. & Mrs.  Lovely Secrets:  Archive Pages  

 I hung up but tears continued to fall down my face. I thought about calling Mister right back but I was in no mood for witty banter or his usual “I love you but I just can’t be with you “spiel. I sat on my bed ripping through pages and pages of the same bullshit that I had endured for years. I was no stranger to rejection but the aroma of Mister’s decision to blatantly choose another over me left an unforgettable stench that I couldn’t shake. How could I have been such an idiot? I was a participant in my own second-class citizenship in his sick twisted love triangle. Mister was a special kind of deceiver. He was the guy that stole your heart, and smiled as he watched you lay on the ground seconds from death still vying for his affection.  I relived every painful memory as I revisited archived entries of my own diary, which outlined what I had known all along. Mister had never wanted me nor respected me and Mrs., was where is heart was and had always been. He was into me just not that into me I guess. There was no way I could deny my own truth. These were my own words.

 Dear Lovely,                                                                                                                        September 20, 2007
Hey boo.  Shit is getting real out here. I’m done messing with Mister. It’s too early in the game for this bull. Ok so first off he called me today after school, and I was gone wear his jersey to the football game. I’m chiilin at the game when I look up and see this bitch with his name plate on! I’m like what the fuck is wrong with this stupid ass nigga? Why would you have me looking like I’m a part of this bullshit when Im definitely not on that at all. Love, I wish I could say that that’s where it ended, but of course that would be too much like right huh? So it’s after the game and everyone is  at the school so I politely hand him his jersey back and say “ Next time give her the jersey too” and start talking to my other  boo. Next thing I  know  when I start to leave this cat talking about what’s wrong with you? Hmmm I don’t know perhaps the fact that you got me looking thirsty as hell wearing your jersey when this chic had on your name plate. I don’t know maybe I’m just crazy. He says he had to give it to her because she asked. Yea don’t it just sound dumb as hell? I’m through with it all man. I don’t have time for all this childish ass shit. I mean if you want to be with her thirsty ass then be with her.                                                                                               

Dear Lovely                                                                                                                           December 13 2007
 Hey Love a lot has been going on with me. Well about as much as it usually is. You won’t believe what this cat did today though, of course Mister on his usual bull. So he comes up to me today after school all hugged up and cuddling. I come up to this cat half way on it with him and guess what? Just as I’m getting close to him this chic pulls his arm and takes him home after school (lol) no lie. He looked dumb as hell, Man I can’t stand this dude.

Dear Lovely,                                                                                                                       October 2, 2008
I must have a sign that reads “ I specialize in being a idiot: because it’s like this nigga just thinks I’m a damn fool or something. So today I call him asking him what his plans are for the day. He says he will be chilling for the night with his friends, and is going to hit me back. I thought it was a little suspect, but nevertheless I hang up and continue with my day. I come back home and hours later  I pass this chic house and guess who I happen to see in the driveway? (Hmmmmmm… just take a wild guess) Santa Clause you say (lol)? No I see Mister and this chic posted in her driveway like it aint nothing. I’m like damn this is a new low for me I see, but I’m already at the bottom of my  very last nerve so I post up and call this cat. Of course he denies my call. Unbeknownst to him I’m freaking parked right down the street from him watching him ignore my call. (Youngstown is way to small) So I watch as he says his final goodbyes to her, kisses her and gets in his car. Now Love mind you I’m getting front row seats to this whole fiasco. He hops in his car, and this chic hasn’t even made it to her porch yet before he picks up the phone and calls me. He drove right past me and didn’t even know it with his stupid ass. I’m like what’s up? I thought you were going to call me back. He responds Oh yea I got a little caught up with my friends (lol) yes child. I say oh what were you doing when I just called because you usually always answer your phone? Mister says without a hesitation in his voice that he wasn’t by his phone. At this point I was done with playing games with him. I’m like oh really? Are you sure about that? I just saw you in her driveway, and I watched you hang up the phone. I just hung up because he had pissed me all the way off.

 I couldn’t read anymore. The more I read the more I could feel a dual pain in my spirit. It was like an epiphany. Things became much more clairvoyant than they had ever been. Although Mister had committed some horrific atrocities against me I was more responsible in sealing my own unfortunate fate the moment I accepted his disrespect. I’d given him the green light to undermine me and my worth. I had created a competition with the Mrs. that was beyond pathetic. I was owed more than this. I was a queen, at least, that’s what I was told and dammit he was going to treat me as such or I’d find someone who would. I was doing myself a disservice by constantly complaining about a boy who got his kicks from juggling my emotions like it was child’s play.  I knew I had to make a decision to either accept this with no complaints or simply walk away.  It was amusing that I spent so many days writing about Mister’s stupidity while failing to acknowledge my own. Of course he was stupid. He was stupid for thinking that he could have the best of both worlds and gloating when he achieved it. He was stupid when he deciding to inform me of his decision to be with someone else through lies and deception, and a Dear John letter via Myspace. He was stupid for underestimating my worth, but I was far more foolish for not recognizing my own.

It was 2:40 am and by this time my tears were all dried up. I had read through enough passages and I closed my diary. I turned over my phone, which had been on silent as I needed time alone to sort through some things, and I had two missed calls from Mister.

“ I guess Mrs., must have been unavailable,” I thought as I chuckled to myself and turned off the light.

I was only 19-years-old and had not a clue as to what a relationship entailed but I knew whatever I had going on wasn’t it. I couldn’t afford to waste anymore time wondering what Mister was doing, or Myspace stalking him and Mrs. It was time for me to just let it all go and pursue someone who was actually worthwhile. So that’s exactly what I did. I rejected every call from him and it almost killed me not to call after hearing those voicemails but I did it!

In hindsight I think it was kind of funny when I look back and remembered being so envious of Mrs. I would’ve sacrificed my last ounce of pride and dignity just to be in his place, but now I just pity her.  I thought competing with her would make winning Mister’s heart that much sweeter, but no one told me just how cruel the game of love and war would be. My first mistake was allowing myself to become anyone’s option, but my second mistake was showing up to a gun fight with a knife. I was never equipped to compete with the Mrs., because I lacked enough knowledge of my opponent to win such a game. If I would have known from the beginning  that she was spineless and lacked  any sign of a moral compass I would’ve never taken it as far as I had  because that kind of self-hate I didn’t possess. She definitely had me beat in that area. Her willingness to accept any and everything even if that meant ignoring a seemingly quiet love affair between Mister and me made her a far better fighter than I could’ve ever been .She had made peace with that I imagined. The Mrs., had most definitely won the battle, and gotten to call keeps on Mister but winning the heart of a boy that put her through more games than the Olympics leads me believe I lost the best thing I never had!

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