6 Pills

6 Pills

I was an 18-year-old outlaw. Up until this moment I hadn’t gotten more than a few detentions for minor infractions, but now I was in the big league sitting tough with the rest of the juvenile delinquents. I had gotten a three day suspension for arguing with my one and only arch enemy Jamice.

For two years Jamice and I were at odds with each other. I used my wit and humor to make fun of her whenever my friends and I passed her in the hall way, and she made sure she did the same. The both of us had Chaney High school divided. We were like the female teen-aged version of Nas and Jay Z, and the day in question was Nas’ release of Either. I had put up with enough.

“So I heard you said….” I said as I marched over to Jamice’s locker with balls of fury in my eyes.

I don’t know who I was that day, but those four words led me into the hot seat, and eventually got me suspended for three days. I was livid.

My great aunt, Patricia, picked me up from school. She didn’t say much after I told her what happen. She kind of grunted, and dropped me off at my grandparent’s house. I had been living with my grandparents my senior year. My mother was in Columbus, and my father lived across town.

I walked into the kitchen, and saw my grandma sitting down peeling potatoes.

“Hey grandma,”.  I said making sure I didn’t make eye contact.

My aunt had obviously informed my grandmother of the news.

“So I heard you got kicked out of school today,”? My grandmother said. “Yea, the girl is crazy, and it wasn’t my fault,”. I replied.

My grandmother, never missing a beat peeling those potatoes, squinted her eyes a bit, and gave me a look that said she had heard that line before.

She didn’t say anything, but I got the point.

I called my mother, and told her the news. She gave me a similar kind of nonchalant, but disappointed reaction.

“You know better than that,”. She said.

I never told my father because, quite frankly, it never crossed my mind to mention it to him. It wouldn’t be the first time he didn’t know something about me, and besides, no one else cared so I figured everything was fine.

I was in day one of my suspension at the mall with friends (I know I really must’ve learned my lesson) when I got a call from my father. Unbeknownst to me my suspension and a few other things had caused a war on the home front.

“Why didn’t you tell me you got suspended,”? He asked.

“ I don’t know,” I replied.“ I didn’t think it was that big of a deal,”.

I answered his questions in a civil manner while I thought “ Umm I didn’t fucking tell you I got suspended because I don’t fucking live with you, Duh. I mean, what were you going to do call my grandparents, and tell them to send me to my room,”.

“You tell me everything else, but you didn’t think to tell me that huh Eartha,”? He asked.

I was silent, but I was extremely agitated. I was at the mall minding my own business, and now this man was bombarding me with such an unnecessary confrontation.

Before I could attempt to pretend like I might come up with an answer for his rhetorical question, my mother beeped in on the other line.

“Eartha,”. She said in a tone that I knew all too well. Someone had really pissed her off, and I hope my dad hadn’t called her and gotten her all riled up when she and I had already made our peace with the situation.

“Yea Ma,”. I said.

“Have you talked to your father,”? She asked.

“Aww, damn he dun got to my mom with this BS,” I thought.

“Yea I talked to him,” I said. I got mentally prepared for war. I was ready to remind my mother that she couldn’t renege on our previous conversation just because my dad had gotten mad. That was just simply unfair.

“Well did he tell you he just cussed me out,”? She asked. “Whhhhhhhhhat,”? I yelped loud enough for everyone in the shoe store to look at me. I wasn’t expecting to hear that.

“Yea, I called him because granddad been complaining about having to take you to work, and he didn’t get the child support check because it doesn’t come the last week of December, and your father made promises he hasn’t been keeping,”. She said.

It was true. My father hadn’t been taking me to work, and I had explained the money situation to my gradmother a few weeks ago, and I thought everything was okay.

“So what did he say to you,”? I asked

“He called me all kinds of names, and left me a long message on my voicemail,”. She said. “He said you hated me,”?

 I could hear the hurt in my mother’s voice even though she tried to hide it.I was disgusted. I couldn’t believe my dad had repeated words I had said two years ago in a fit of rage, depression, and, more importantly, confidence. I never meant for my mother to ever hear those words no matter how mad I got, and now he had just pissed me all the way off.

“How dare he say that to her,”? I thought.

I confronted my dad, and things didn’t end well at all. I vowed I didn’t need him anyways, and his absence there after wouldn’t faze me either.

I got back to my grandparent’s house, and got ready for work. I didn’t mention anything to my grandmother, but I knew I knew the subject would come up soon. I didn’t know sooner would happen so quickly.

My grandfather and I rode up Market Street like we always did in silence when he took me to work, but this time things were a lot tenser. Immediately he let me know why.

“You know everything cost. I am getting older, and I can’t be taking you to work every day. The money didn’t come this week,”. He said.” So what happen,”?

“It doesn’t come on the last week of December,” I said. ( I knew way more about child support than I wanted to)

“Well where is ya dad,? He asked, but I remained silent. “He said he was going to be helping out,”.

“Where is your moma,”? He asked, again I said nothing. “You eat, you wash your clothes, you know all that cost money,”. He said.

I was always afraid of my grandfather, and whenever he yelled at me I drifted into another realm. My body hadn’t moved, but my mind left the moment he uttered “You know everything cost”. I had gone off into a land I hoped I could claim as my own one day. My mind floated to a place where I could possess some peace, and not be talked to like I was the cause of the entire world’s problems, or be questioned about a fucking child support check.

My grandfather was always a stern man, and I felt like he hated me the most out of his grandchildren. I knew it wasn’t his responsibility to allow me to live with him that’s why I worked, and made sure they never had to give me anything extra. I couldn’t be held responsible for broken promises that weren’t kept by father.  No one was asking me how school was, or how my game went.I already felt like a burden, but now I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that I was. I was embarrassed, and hurt, yet I remained silent.

In front of everyone I was a varsity volleyball athlete, who always had the newest clothes, and shoes. I made sure to smile, and keep a good front when inside I was lifeless. My mother wasn’t there to comfort me, and I wasn’t about to tell my grandma anything. My father was living his picture perfect life on the East side with a new family.

I was too young to have to deal with this shit. I didn’t know what these people wanted from me. I was a good kid, paid room and board, wasn’t pregnant, worked and played sports, but somehow I still felt like that wasn’t enough.

I didn’t eat that night after work. I told my grandma I was too tired, and went to my room. I hit the floor within seconds. My eyes burst with tears that I had held in tight since I had spoken with my grandfather. I was emotionally drained.

“Why do I have to go through this,”? I cried out to God when I saw six pills on my dresser. I don’t know how they got there.

I was done with the façade. I had worn the mask trying to make everyone around me feel comfortable while I chocked on my own silent pleas for help. I didn’t believe my problems were big enough to warrant concern up until now. I gazed at the six anonymous pills, three small white ones, two blue, and one yellow.

“You don’t have to go through this anymore,”. I thought.

I ran to the bathroom and let the faucet run until my plastic cup was full. I caught a glimpse of my reflection, and all I could see was strife. Pain was written all over my face.

I went back into my room, picked up the pills and turned off the lights.

I was petrified, but If I did this quick everything would be over soon.

The pills melted in my hand now soaked from my tears when I swallowed them whole, and followed with a quick gulp of water.

“Forgive me Jesus,”. I said aloud.

I lay on the ground wrapped in a white quilt covered in bold red hearts (it was my favorite) unsure of what I was waiting on. A few minutes later my eyelids got heavier until they were completely closed.

I woke up in the same clothes I had fallen asleep in. It was still dark outside. They were still damp from my tears. I hopped up, turned on my bedroom lights. I frantically looked in the mirror grabbing my face. Besides two swollen eyes, and an allergic reaction from the carpet I looked pretty normal. I felt my chest to see if my heart rate was abnormally beating. It wasn’t. I looked at my alarm clock, and it was 3:30 a.m. Five hours after I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

I got off the floor, and a small grin appeared. Maybe things weren’t so bad after all.