My older cousin was a psychology major at Wright State University. I loved asking her about human behavior. She the closest thing I had to an expert and she willingly indulged in my random and slightly ignorant inquiries. On one of our many trips along route 71 north we got on the subject of insanity.
“Lay, how do you know when a person is insane,”? I asked.
“Insanity is the act of doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results,”. She said,
I was stunned. I expected a more poetic answer. I expected to hear something convoluted and mysterious. I didn’t predict I’d hear such simple words. It made me think about all the crazies I’d probably passed walking down the street. More importantly, it made me think “Damn I’m insane,”.
For the past year and a half I had run into the same wall with Mister and his Mrs., yet every time I got the same unfavorable outcome it was like it was zapped out of my memory completely, and I was prepared to hit the same wall even harder. No matter how many times I was disrespected, disregarded and humiliated I was never deterred me from whatever goal I was trying to achieve. I was eloquently dressed in the most beautiful insane couture gown paid in full by my own yearning heart.
I was headed back from Atlanta from my month-long vacation, and I was eager to see Mister. We never completely lost contact, and after reading the card he had left on my porch a month ago ,a hundred times, I had fallen for him all over again. I was able to hold in my emotions for him for over a year, but I had to tell him how I felt. I thought that since Mrs. was in the picture too much was at stake. Telling him the truth would be enough to get him to toss her aside like yesterday’s garbage, and everything would be back to normal, so I did what any 18-year-old would when they are trying to fight for love. The day before I left Atlanta I sent him a Myspace message.
Mister I’m sorry I never told this before because I have been feeling like this for a long time, but I love you. I always have. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to scare you off, and I figured we were too young to be in love anyways. I didn’t want to believe it, but it’s the truth.
I hesitated before sending it. I loved him, or so I thought. He needed to know, but was it too late. Should I have told him earlier? It took me about ten minutes, but I decided win or lose I was true to myself to the end.
The ride back home seemed extra long, and everything from the trees to my seat belt seemed to remind me of Mister. I felt like I had gone into a time warp and everything was moving in slow motion.
After a trip full of butterflies, anticipation and worry I finally got to a computer. I was scared. I clicked on my messages and saw a message from him that simply read “I’m gone call you,”.
I was ecstatic. Mister was going to call me so that meant everything would be good, even though, I had just witnessed numerous photos of Mister and Mrs. showcasing their every move. There was a whole album dedicated to their time spent together. There were pictures of them at parties, holding hands, etc. Seeing these pictures reminded me of a situation between the three of us that occurred just two months ago that I , so desperately, had tried to forget.
2 months earlier
It was a normal Saturday night basement party, and everyone who was a part of the “In Crowd” was in attendance. I was on the phone with Mister, who was already at the party, and he was waiting on me.
“I’m on my way dude,”. I yelled through the phone trying to compete with the base from speakers.
“Where you coming from,”? Mister asked.
“I don’t know. You know I ain’t good with directions, but we pulling up now,”. I said.
I don’t know how, but we got disconnected as I walked across the street into the party. I didn’t call back because I was about to see him anyways. I walked into the party maneuvering through the dark crowd full of rump-shacking teenagers, but I couldn’t find Mister. I tried calling, and got no answer.
“Aye, you seen Mister,”? I asked any and everyone.
I was about to just give up, and join the rump-shacking of my peers when I looked in the corner. What I saw will be forever carved into my memory. He was sitting on white clothes dryer hovered over her, but gripping her tiny waist. She was standing in between his legs holding him tightly as if they were the last on the Titanic just before it submerged under the ocean. They sat there oblivious to me standing less than a foot away getting front row seats while they played tongue twister.
I could feel the blood surging through my veins, and my heart rate pulsating through my body. It was right in front of my face, yet my vision and my consciousness were disconnected.
“How could this be happening just after seconds of him talking to me,”? I thought.
I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t tell my friends. I walked up the stairs and sat, alone, in the kitchen until the party was over. I wasn’t ready to deal with what I had just witnessed. I couldn’t move.
I was nervous. I sat in my room anticipating his call, while the feelings of the basement party lingered in my soul like I was right back there all over again. I was helpless. I didn’t want to let him go, but I didn’t want to be a fool either. Clearly he was still talking with her, and clearly they were engaging in an intimate relationship that they deemed worthy enough to put all over the internet for the world to see, including me. My mind was in a whirlwind. My heart and head were in a battle, and rational thoughts were losing. I thought I could change the situation. He said he would call so that meant he was about to apologize, and make amends. After tonight Mrs. would be out of the picture, and he would demand that she take every single picture down from her Myspace page because Eartha was in town.
My thoughts were interrupted by my Trey Songz ringtone “I can’t help, but wait.”. It was Mister.
“What’s up,”? He asked.
“Nothing just chillin, and laying down,”. I said.
He got right to business.
“So why didn’t you tell me this earlier,”? He asked.
“Because I was scared. I didn’t want to look all thirsty for you,”. I said.
“You know what,”? He said. “I love you too,”.
I didn’t need a mirror to see myself smiling from ear to ear. I felt special. Somehow the same guy that had took my heart and demolished it into thin air was magically rebuilding it piece by piece, but within seconds I was back to ground zero after his next statement.
“I wish you would’ve told me sooner because I love Mrs. too,”. He said.
“What the hell was this,”? I thought.
Here I am finally expressing my feelings, and he tells me he is in love with another female too. “Is that even possible,”? I asked.
“I don’t know. I just am,”. He replied.
I was flyer than her. I was more popular, I believed, than her, and I know I was smarter. We had history together so this decision should have been easy for him.
“I want to still talk to the both of y’all,”. He said.
Now any sane person that shows any inclination they may own brain cells would have immediately said Adios, but ,as I mentioned previously I was insane, because at that moment instead of walking away, and dealing with the harsh truth that he was choosing, I shifted every bit of energy I had to destroying Mrs.
Part 3 coming soon!!!!
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